Some days it seems like it's an uphill battle to stay positive. When there are so many negatives battling to win the mind over to the dark side, it is really easy to just give up the fight to stay in a happy state. Today is one of those days.
This morning I woke up. That in itself is something to be thankful for and I am thankful that I did, indeed, wakeup this morning. I just would like to wake up pain free one day; no stiff joints, no shooting pains in my back when I sit up, and no dull pain throughout my body when I put weight on my feet. Due to the state of my destroyed house because of the massive amount of laundry that I have put off due to this recent flare, I fenagled my way around to a path to the bathroom. I looked at my messy bathroom which stressed me out more and then looked in the mirror. Ouch! I really should have taken the blow dryer to the hair last night but I didn't have the strength to hold it up. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful that I have a home, even if it is messy. I am thankful that I have hair on my head that is in desperate need of my sister-in-law's handywork. I am thankful for my family that destroyed my nice clean house and helped me with my laundry issue. At the same time, those things are stressors that I have to work really hard to not let overwhelm me. I have to work to stay positive in those moments where I just want to fully break down and be committed to a mental hospital.
Fibromyalgia is a hard disease to have, especially in a flare. Unless you have the awful disease, people just don't understand what you go through. They have no idea the effort it takes just to keep going when all you want to do is stay in bed. Just when you get hope through a new doctor, or new medicines, or new therapies, it seems the disease says, "Hmm...we haven't thrown this at her yet. Let's see how she does with this!" My symptoms used to be pretty normal symptoms that were treatable with mild pain killers or the occasional sleep aid. The flare that I am in now has thrown at me so much new stuff that it is beginning to overwhelm me. I had the joint pain before but now I have that with muscle spasms that shoot through my back or my arms or my neck and head. I have started to clench my jaw which I never used to do and have to consciously make an effort to relax it. I have a constant headache that no amount of ibuprofen will fix. The hope that I had after I saw my doctor is dwindling to almost non-existent. I am at a low that I haven't been at in a while. While I am not a depressed person, I have several depression symptoms. The situation seems hopeless but that is where you have to kick yourself in the butt and yell at your brain and say, "Stop it! Just stop it!" And the pep talk to myself begins as follows:
Fibromyalgia IS treatable! You are doing the best you can today and tomorrow will be different. Sure, today is a bad day; a really bad day! But, you know what? You are doing a good job! You are fighting and some days you can't fight as hard as you normally do and that is ok! The pain is no fun. The headaches are no fun. The destroyed house is no fun. But you will survive and you will make it to fight another day. You have researched and you have worked hard to find out treatments that will help. You are taking your medicine and you are going to therapy. You are a survivor and you will survive this flare, just like every other one you have encountered. You will look back and say, "That was bad but I didn't give up and now look at how far I have come." So stop focusing on the negative and keep going. Put one foot in front of the other and keep going even when you don't want to. You are a fighter and Fibromyalgia is not going to win this time either. Suck it up cause you CAN do this.
Remember, people reading this blog, you cannot rely on others to be your motivation for change or for your hope. Sometimes you are the one who has to give yourself the pep talk cause nobody else is around to do it. You are worth the pep talk and worth the fight. Keep fighting, even on days when you don't want to. We will win this. As Dr. Rodger Murphree says, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Happy eating!
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