I had an odd experience today. I have had several of those here lately. I suppose that I should backtrack a bit for today's experience in order for it to make any sense. While this summer has been awesome, it has been full of medical stuff and me feeling like I'm falling apart. Here's the backstory:
Back in late May I woke up to some pain in my shoulder. I had injured my arm in September of last year while at work and a cortisone shot had seemed to fix the issue. However the pain came back making me wonder if the cortisone shot just covered something up that was really wrong. A doctor's trip, an MRI, and a diagnosis later, I am now scheduled to have surgery this upcoming Tuesday to fix the injury that happened in September. During all of this, I have been seeing another physician about hormones and a possible reason as to why I haven't been able to lose weight and why I might be feeling off in so many ways. He thinks that I might have Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. (If you have had a tubal, you might check this out. It has many of the same symptoms as fibromyalgia and there is a lot more information on it.) On top of all of that two weeks ago I woke up from a nap with excruciating pain on my right side. Being in the medical field I started thinking of possible reasons to have that amount of pain. Appendix? Kidney stone? Some sort of horrible thing that I don't even know about? Having the luxury of being an hospital employee can come in handy when you are in excruciating pain. I didn't want to go to the ER so I called to see if it was really necessary. I was told to go in and see because my thinking of appendix or kidney stone were valid possible diagnoses. I went in. After blood work, a cat scan, and a couple doses of pain medication later, I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. However after looking at the final report read by the hospital's radiologist, he said it looked normal. I asked him about it in person since I work in radiology and he said that my right ovary was definitely bigger but nothing that looked too horrible for him to read it as abnormal. He agreed that there might be a cyst but an ultrasound would show it better. I was told to keep a follow-up doctor's appointment that I had already scheduled and see what my family doctor said.
And now we are back to today. It finally came time to see my family doctor. He knows the history that I have been dealing with as far as hormones and surgeries and...he just knows me. I was hoping to get some answers of what on earth was going on. I'm still having a dull aching pain where the extreme pain was and certain movements will turn it back into the excruciating pain all over again. I was in the room and giving my history when a knock came on the door. Another nurse peeked her head in asking if it was ok if they rescheduled me because Doc just was called to deliver a baby. For some unknown reason tears welled up in my eyes and I just said, I don't know. I'm not on pain meds due to surgery on Tuesday so it wasn't like I was delirious or something. I'm not a sappy person. Things like having to reschedule do not upset me. I'm easy going and usually have no issue with going with the flow. Things like PMS do not happen to me and have never been an issue, even with the hormone issues. Both nurses instantly started working to figure out a way to make things better and to help me stop crying. I kept saying, I have no idea why I'm crying. I'm not like this. They just were reassuring and sweet and wonderful and rescheduled me for later in the day. All I kept thinking is, "What is wrong with me?"
And that is just it...I don't know what is wrong with me. I have this diagnosis of Fibromyalgia that I question all the time. Do I really have it because people that have this hurt ALL the time and I don't. Or I won't let the pain get to me because I am stubborn and don't have time to let it get to me. I wonder if that is what I really have. When I have a theory about what might be causing me to feel the way I do and present it to the doctor, he/she will agree that it is a valid reason I might be feeling that way. The appropriate test will be ordered to check for said possible diagnosis and the results come back normal. That just reiterates my wonderment of "what is wrong with me?" The fear that this is all just in my head and if I am starting to just go crazy. The pain is real. I hurt. I want to know WHY! The beauty of the right sided pain is that my shoulder pain has been forgotten about. The sad part is that now I cry at doctor's offices and the crazy part of me is showing its ugly head and I hate it. Hopefully this afternoon I will get some answers, even if it is that I am certifiably crazy.
UPDATE post doctor's visit: I, according to the doctor (my best friend and husband might differ), am not crazy. After telling him all the symptoms, he believes that I might have adhesions associated with my last c-section. He said it would explain the pain with various movements and why it comes and goes. He also said that it explains why it didn't show up on any tests that I had. Unfortunately since I have surgery Tuesday he really can't do much until after I have recovered from it a bit. So I go back in a month to check pain levels and start checking out medicines that might help.Answers are a good thing. Even the bad answers that tell you that something is wrong with you and there is nothing that they can do (for now) at least explains the mystery and gives you some sort of peace of mind. Peace of mind is a precious thing!
