It's 4am in the morning. I'm wide awake. I have no idea why. Full moon? Too much caffeine? Who knows? All I know is that this is the 3rd time that I haven't slept at all overnight in a two week time span and it is getting old. And when I say at all, I mean not a wink, wide awake, not even tired.
The last time that I had bouts of insomnia like this I was pregnant with Kyle, who is now 4. Back then I thought it was my body preparing for long nights of no sleep staying up with a newborn baby. Actually, that is the exact words that my family doctor told me as I questioned why I would be able to stay up all night and then be able to go all day as well with no wearing down. Now I am wondering if it is just my body being the freak of nature that it is. What I can tell you is that it is freaking annoying.
Ya see Fibromyalgia is a freak of nature in and of itself. It takes a perfectly wonderful human being and turns he/she into some sort of autoimmune disaster. It's rude! And more importantly I HATE it! I absolutely hate having this diagnosis. It has prevented me from being the amazing, perfectionist, parental unit and wife that I always imagined I would be. Fibromyaliga takes my super human awesomeness and makes me "human" again. It's my krytonite and I never know when it's going to hit.
Two months ago I was healthy. I was eating well. I was working out 3-5 days a week. I was starting to obtain my awesomeness back. Then I worked an extra shift, went camping, and lost some sleep and BAM, I got shingles. Things that normal people do takes my body to a level that it just can't handle and I end up with some immuno-comprimised state and end up with a suppressed case of chicken pox. A weekend of making memories with my family became krytonite and took me down and I never saw it coming.
And this has been my life for the past 17 years. I get amazingly healthy. I will feel like I can conquer the world which in my life means I can keep my house clean, I can cook nightly for my family, and I can be the amazing wife and mother I long to be. Then some sort of stress that I didn't see coming kicks that person out of the way and leaves me as this weakling who needs to take naps, who can't exercise, and has to take pain meds just to make it through the day. I hate this person when she shows up. And I never know when she is going to go away for a while. And thus is the life of a person with Fibormyalgia. There are good days and bad days. The good days are awesome and the bad days stink.
What I have realized is that that is just part of life. It does no good to throw pitty parties during the bad days because the bad days will pass. They always do. You just gotta get through the bad days. So if you are reading this and you, too, are in the middle of a bad spell, keep going. It will pass. So hang in there, wear your hat to your pitty party and then get your rest and wait for it to pass. You can do it. I'm doing it so I know that you can too. It's okay to hate every aspect of it too. You will have crappy days just like everyone does at times. So keep going and you will return to your awesome state in no time. Rock on my fellow Fibromites. This day is still a gift so use it to be awesome, even if you have to stay in bed all day.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
The trouble with "House" is...
I, like most Americans without cable, love Netflix. I have several shows that I have watched the entire season of. Shows like "Lie to Me", "Numb3rs", and the occasional "What Not To Wear" are the main ones that I watch. My awesome kids have no idea what a commercial is because, due to the lack of cable, just watch the shows that we approve, all commercial free. So my queue is mainly filled will kids shows and the above mentioned shows.
I was tiring of watching the usual shows since I have watched seasons over and over again. I decided that I needed something new. For some reason I was drawn to the show "House". If you have never seen the show, it is about a doctor who is a medical genius who is given those cases that have become medical mysteries to his colleagues. He is an awkward fellow. He is blunt, lives on pain killers, and is known for breaking the medical rules and doing what will save someone's life vs. following protocol. It is not uncommon for him to send someone on his team to break into someone's home or for him to walk into an area that is either sterile or quarantined in order to make a point. I heard a friend once say that the show is the equivalent of a modern day Sherlock Holmes and it really is. I like this show.
Last week, like most, I was in excruciating pain, while not unusual, but worse than normal. I was getting over my shingles outbreak (see last post) and just didn't feel that great. As usual, I had a long to-do list and was in too much pain to get it done. So I broke down and took a pain pill. Give or take an hour or so, I was standing upright and was no longer limping or grunting as I took on the tasks at hand. I felt great. I felt amazing. I felt...NORMAL! I thought back to my new favorite TV show and started to understand the character House a bit more. Ya see, House walks with a limp in the show and is usually seen with a cane. He had a medical mystery happen as well; a stroke, yet it was in his leg. It killed the muscle tissue and the treatment that he was given while he was knocked out causes him to live in constant pain. His remedy is to eat Vicoden (a very strong pain killer) like candy. You watch him throughout the show pop open his container of pills that he carries with him and throw a couple back like they are tic tacs. As I was feeling the results of my lower dosed pain pill I had what some would call an epiphany.
The following conversation then took place within myself (as most conversations do when you are crazy):
Me: Why don't you take pain pills more often?
Me: Because I don't like to rely on pain pills. If my body is in pain then I should listen to it and rest.
Me: But you never have time to rest and then feel like a loser if you do. Take the pain pill.
Me: I don't want to have to rely on a pain pill to get out of bed in the morning.
Me: But think of all that you are missing out on when you don't. You'll be happier and feel better if you take the pill.
Me: I do want to be happy and I do have a lot to do, but I don't want to become addicted to them.
Me: Think of House. Think of the brilliant mind he has. What if you are missing out on your own brilliance because you are always in pain and by not taking a pill?
Me: You do make a valid point, self. I do like being brilliant.
Me: TAKE THE PILL! TAKE THE PILL! TAKE THE PILL!
Me: (made decision to try pain pills for a week and see if it helps)
Me: (cheering and high fives all around)
Okay, that might have been slightly exaggerated a bit, but it wasn't by much. I did spend all week taking pills and got a TON accomplished. I don't like to have to do that, but, unfortunately, this world does not stop for those of us that live with chronic pain. And while I still stand by the fact that I do not like to take pain pills, sometimes it is needed. Sometimes my chaotic life is busier than normal and I do have to break down my pride and submit to the fact that I do not have time to "heal naturally". I don't plan on getting to the addicted state as House does on the television show. However, I do plan to take my recommended dose and make it through this tough time and try to keep a smile on my face.
It's kind of my way of sucking it up for now. It's part of life. Its what one must do to make it through the journey. Giving up isn't an option and so one must keep going. So suck it up my fibro friends and don't give up. This too shall pass!
I was tiring of watching the usual shows since I have watched seasons over and over again. I decided that I needed something new. For some reason I was drawn to the show "House". If you have never seen the show, it is about a doctor who is a medical genius who is given those cases that have become medical mysteries to his colleagues. He is an awkward fellow. He is blunt, lives on pain killers, and is known for breaking the medical rules and doing what will save someone's life vs. following protocol. It is not uncommon for him to send someone on his team to break into someone's home or for him to walk into an area that is either sterile or quarantined in order to make a point. I heard a friend once say that the show is the equivalent of a modern day Sherlock Holmes and it really is. I like this show.
Last week, like most, I was in excruciating pain, while not unusual, but worse than normal. I was getting over my shingles outbreak (see last post) and just didn't feel that great. As usual, I had a long to-do list and was in too much pain to get it done. So I broke down and took a pain pill. Give or take an hour or so, I was standing upright and was no longer limping or grunting as I took on the tasks at hand. I felt great. I felt amazing. I felt...NORMAL! I thought back to my new favorite TV show and started to understand the character House a bit more. Ya see, House walks with a limp in the show and is usually seen with a cane. He had a medical mystery happen as well; a stroke, yet it was in his leg. It killed the muscle tissue and the treatment that he was given while he was knocked out causes him to live in constant pain. His remedy is to eat Vicoden (a very strong pain killer) like candy. You watch him throughout the show pop open his container of pills that he carries with him and throw a couple back like they are tic tacs. As I was feeling the results of my lower dosed pain pill I had what some would call an epiphany.
The following conversation then took place within myself (as most conversations do when you are crazy):
Me: Why don't you take pain pills more often?
Me: Because I don't like to rely on pain pills. If my body is in pain then I should listen to it and rest.
Me: But you never have time to rest and then feel like a loser if you do. Take the pain pill.
Me: I don't want to have to rely on a pain pill to get out of bed in the morning.
Me: But think of all that you are missing out on when you don't. You'll be happier and feel better if you take the pill.
Me: I do want to be happy and I do have a lot to do, but I don't want to become addicted to them.
Me: Think of House. Think of the brilliant mind he has. What if you are missing out on your own brilliance because you are always in pain and by not taking a pill?
Me: You do make a valid point, self. I do like being brilliant.
Me: TAKE THE PILL! TAKE THE PILL! TAKE THE PILL!
Me: (made decision to try pain pills for a week and see if it helps)
Me: (cheering and high fives all around)
Okay, that might have been slightly exaggerated a bit, but it wasn't by much. I did spend all week taking pills and got a TON accomplished. I don't like to have to do that, but, unfortunately, this world does not stop for those of us that live with chronic pain. And while I still stand by the fact that I do not like to take pain pills, sometimes it is needed. Sometimes my chaotic life is busier than normal and I do have to break down my pride and submit to the fact that I do not have time to "heal naturally". I don't plan on getting to the addicted state as House does on the television show. However, I do plan to take my recommended dose and make it through this tough time and try to keep a smile on my face.
It's kind of my way of sucking it up for now. It's part of life. Its what one must do to make it through the journey. Giving up isn't an option and so one must keep going. So suck it up my fibro friends and don't give up. This too shall pass!
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