The trouble with lying to yourself is...

I haven't done one of these in over a year. Very few people in my current life know that I even have the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. I don't talk about it because most people don't even know what Fibromyalgia is so I just keep my diagnosis to myself and hide my symptoms to the best of my ability. For those who don't know what it is, and want to know, here ya go in layman's terms. I used to describe it as my body having an over-the-top response to very simple things. You hit your hand on the door while walking by and you might acknowledge the pain and go about your day. I hit the same door and my fingers swell up like I have broken my fingers for about an hour.  Then after my immune system realizes that we are ok, I might end up with a small bruise and then it is back to normal the next day. Recovery from anything takes twice as long. I work out but my muscles seem to take forever to recover. My body goes into flares and they are hard to get out of. My doctor laughed when I told him that I feel like my immune system is a very dramatic 14-year-old girl who just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with her best friend and her life is officially over and makes poor choices because of it. That is exactly how my immune system behaves. If there is an over-the-top response, my body goes for it. In a very dramatic fashion, I always end up with weird symptoms or a slight chance of side effects happening. 

Knowing this about my body and trying not to be a dramatic person, but a logical person about things, I try to ignore most of my Fibromyalgia symptoms. Working in the medical field I have been exposed to dramatic Fibro patients and I do not want to be associated with them. The doctors I worked with through the years saw them as drug seekers and would complain about their behavior as over-the-top (and in many cases they were), having no idea that the listening ears had the exact same diagnosis and knew partially what they felt like. I just didn't complain as loudly as they did. However, lying to myself about a fibro diagnosis does not make it go away. Sometimes lying does work in my brain and I often forget that I DO have Fibromyalgia until I am slapped in the face with some symptoms that are completely related to it and I can't make them go away. 

This time I am reminded of my systems because my brain isn't working well. I have always been an advocate for taking the stigma out of mental health issues. Many of my family take medications for anxiety, as well as most of my friends. However, I have been the oddball with not needing something for my brain to be well. I have always been able to get rid of my woes through prayer, journaling my thoughts, or cognitive behavior therapy. Yet this time, I know something is off. I have been off for a while. At first, I thought it was just adjusting to the new job and all the changes of leaving my 21-year career as an x-ray tech to become a teacher. Then at Christmas, I felt majorly depressed. Simple inconveniences or changes just hit me way harder than they normally do. I just haven't been myself and I can't shake it. Things that never would bother me do now. I am way more snippy with Zac than I have ever been. I have started to have major anxiety that my colleagues don't like me, and I can honestly say I have NEVER been anxious over if I was liked or not. I can logically look at my thoughts and know they are not true, but I still believe the lies. It made ZERO sense, until the other day. 

Since I have been a teenager, I have prayed while in my car when I am by myself. I turn off the radio and almost pretend that Jesus is sitting in the passenger seat next to me and we chat. I had just suffered through a workout at the gym and was driving home. I started talking and saying how much I hate feeling this way. Then I said, "I mean I have dealt with this since...I think maybe when I had COVID back in October and it's getting really old!" THAT WAS IT! COVID! COVID is what is doing this. I stupid hyper response to freaking COVID!

I immediately started doing some research when I got home. Article after research article said around 30% of people experience mental health issues after having COVID. Opening up this blog I saw a post I forgot about writing after I had my COVID vaccine talking about my mental health suffering. At first, I didn't want to admit I needed help but after reading about how once put on meds it righted the wrong created by COVID I became intrigued and called my doc to discuss it. I see him tomorrow. I am so ready to be mentally well and back to myself. I NEED to be myself cause I don't want to see how dark this goes. While most articles have said that it will resolve on its own eventually, I don't want to wait for "eventually" if I can feel better now. I write all this to possibly help someone else who might be having similar issues and hasn't connected the COVID card as a possibility. I will let you know what doc says tomorrow. Until then...

The trouble with kale is...

 I ate kale for dinner the other night. I also ate kale today for lunch. It was in a salad. It was by choice. New year, new me???

Actually, it is because I am desperate. I have hit a new low point of being tired of feeling like this. What do I mean by "this"? "This" is the symptoms of long covid that I have been enduring for 5 months now. At least that is what my doctor has diagnosed it as. It is the ridiculous exhaustion. It is the nightly headaches that sometimes last until morning. It is the brain fog that keeps me from remembering dates and appointments or writing them down in the wrong spot in my planner. I just feel like there is an answer for this out there and I am going to try anything, even kale, to find it. I hate the taste of kale btw. 

Regardless of your views on COVID, vaccines, and your beliefs on how you get long covid, I can tell you that it is very real. I read an article tonight that said it is affecting roughly 10% of those who have had COVID. That is a lot of people! I feel like my Fibro diagnosis aided in me getting this. My overactive immune system took my COVID response and took it to the next level. My immune system is like someone who doesn't trust anyone so instead of a normal, sickly response, my body went above and beyond to protect me. So that same immune system requires a plethora of work in order to get it back to par. 

The beauty of this is that I have been there and done that when I was figuring out my Fibromyalgia diagnosis. Fibro is an overactive immune response to ...fill in the blank...cause it is different for everyone. Much like how nobody knows what really causes Fibro and science is still trying to figure out what helps, I can apply that to this lack of knowledge with my long covid diagnosis. 

So why kale? In my research to see if there was a long covid diet, it kept bringing me to an anti-inflammatory diet or the best foods to fight...again, fill in the blank. There is usually a natural approach to most treatments and I had done everything my doc had suggested besides changing my diet. So here I am following the advice of my doctor finally and the bulk of all my research. Kale was on every list. So were blueberries, nuts, tons of water, fish, and avocados. I like all that. It also said to cut most sugar and processed foods. So here I am. Trying to be sugar-free, minus fruit, and eat as healthy as I can. Long covid is no joke. Hopefully, this experiment will help others on the same journey as me. Good luck and blessings to all long covid sufferers. Hang in there. I am on day 5 and am starting to feel a bit better and the headaches are starting to subside so hope is starting to return. 

The trouble with a vaccine is...

Crazy...I was crazy once. They locked me in a rubber room. I lived there. I died there. Worms came up from the ground and ate my body. Did you say worms?  Worms drive me CRAZY! Crazy...I was crazy once...

I used to love quoting this over and over again when I was a teenager. Anytime someone said the word "crazy" this little crazy limerick would run through an internal monolog in my head. However,  over the last 4 months, I truly do feel like I could take a ride on the crazy train and stay there a bit. 

I had lunch with a friend this week. She often, in her own sweet way, refers to me as her crazy friend. During the course of lunch we talked about the Biden mandate about vaccines for Healthcare workers who work for facilities that get paid with Medicare/Medicaid funds. She is one of the few people who has heard about some of the long term side effects I have dealt with since I received my shot.  She asked the question,  "Do you regret getting the vaccine, especially with all the issues you have had since you got it?" Last month I said no, but this is a different blog post, and I am conflicted now with if I do or not. Its hard knowing that on August 4th I was healthy, felt great, was sleeping well, and had a few intermittent intestinal issues due to not having a gallbladder. Since August 5th I live with headaches that get worse with the weather,  intestinal issues that are the worst I have ever dealt with, and nausea that sneaks up on me and makes me feel like I am pregnant all over again. Don't get me started on the body aches. I try to push through workouts and push myself to get back to where I was, but find myself eating ibuprofen and muscle relaxers just to make it through a normal day. I have seen my doctor more in the past 4 months than I have the 4 years prior.  He confirmed that all of this is probably very much related to getting the vaccine. The hard part is that there is no end date for this to get better. I feel like I am starting at day 1 again on my Fibro journey and it sucks.  

I had bragged in the summer that my fibro was under such great control that I questioned if that was really what I had all along. But as I have dealt with the exhaustion, the body aches, and the worst fibro fog I have ever had, I am sadly reminded of this diagnosis and all that is related to it. 

I need to do a fast of all things that my body hates in a flare and have zero desire to do it. It means giving up sugar and gluten and dairy and eating horrible things like kale and drinking kombucha. I know if I would just take a 3 month cleanse I would probably reset and feel better, but my life is so freaking busy that it is hard to do. Plus there is no guarantee that it would work. This flare is bad! Clean eating requires planning and my foggy brain has a hard time doing it. The heart is so willing but the body has a hard time with compliance. 

Do I regret getting the vaccine to protect me from COVID?  Today I do. While I don't have to worry about losing my job, I do have the constant wonder if this is what life is going to be like forever. I have a wonderfully blessed life. I have to focus on that while I try to beat these symptoms all over again. Hopefully I can reset soon and get back to pre-August 5th Jennifer. 

The Trouble with Depression is...

Oooh...did you open this to see why Jennifer is sad? Caught ya, you click baiter!😂 However, I am not going to lie. My mental health has been suffering lately.  You know what, though? I'm not sad. I wouldn't even say I am mildly sad. I'm off... and I can feel it.... and I can even probably/logically tell you why. It's a myriad of reasons and when they happen over a period of time and build, and you don't notice it at first. But finally one day...BAM! 0.........

This is a common thing in Fibromyalgia patients actually. When I was diagnosed almost 15+ years ago with it, one of the first meds I got put on was Cymbalta, which is marketed as a depression medication. I asked the pharmacist about it because I didn't feel sad. He quickly explained that depression isn't sadness per se. It is a chemical imbalance. When the chemicals that make you happy, help you sleep, and help your body recover are low, sometimes you need a little help from a pill. It's no different than taking insulin to help your pancreas or an ACE inhibitor for your heart. "Anti-depressants" is an easier term to say than "serotonin reuptake inhibitors". Through the years I have learned that I respond better to natural methods than chemical methods and so I no longer take anything for my chemical imbalances. So recovery takes a bit longer than with a pill. Hence the blog post today and my hope that in sharing it might help someone else, even if they don't have Fibromyalgia.

If you read the last blog post, you know that a lot of my issues started after my COVID vaccine. It is what started the downward spiral of issues. (And if you are wondering if I regret getting it, I don't. But that is a different blog post.😏) This process doesn't just happen to Fibro patients by the way. It's a commonality in all. Fibro patients just tend to have a hyper response to these causations than others do. I will share my theory of immune demise as an example. 

August 3rd: J&J vaccine given + busy day at Branson + truly concerned about rumored side effects

August 4th: Sick! Like super sick! Like, "I need to get tested for COVID" sick. (I got tested and it was negative.)

August 5th: Wake up and feel ok, just a mild headache and some mild chest pain.

August 12th: See my doctor concerning lingering headaches and chest pain post-vaccine. Diagnosed with post-vaccine costochondritis (while not common, still considered normal side effect).

September 2nd: See doc again about chest pain, put on anti-inflammatory

September 27th: Have a telehealth appointment and get put on Antibiotics for sinus infection and steroid pack to try to knock out chest pain from costochondritis.

October 2nd: Got put on a higher dose of steroids, which FINALLY fixed the costochondritis. 

October 6th: Started having symptoms of shingles. 🤦

And here we are...almost 11 weeks post vaccine and I can logically look back and see why I most likely have a chemical imbalance going on that would make me feel off. Health alone has been a crap-tastic storm, but I have had some major stress going on as well. Between putting my cat of 16 years down, volunteer responsibilities, work drama, a crap diet, and lack of sleep, it is shocking that my mental health is as good as it is. We are serotonin junkies naturally. You build serotonin with diet, sleep, and a healthy immune system. When those things are off, serotonin goes down. When serotonin goes down, you feel sad and tired and off. The way to get this back naturally is to rest more, eat right, and slow down. It takes a longer time than popping a pill and you have to keep telling yourself that. 

I share all this to let you know that it is normal to have periods of time like this. It is not uncommon to go through lows. It is not wrong to ask a physician for some help. It is a great idea to talk to a counselor and have a breakthrough. I love talking to someone who is struggling and letting them know that this is normal and that everyone goes through things and they are not alone. I love seeing that smile happen and letting them know that they are needed/wanted on this planet and that life is worth living still. Please don't ever let a chemical imbalance get the best of you. Find someone and tell them you are struggling. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a beautiful thing to do. 

The Trouble with Ignoring is...

I have Fibromyalgia. There! I said it! My last blog post was in 2018. I don't want to say that I had forgotten that I have fibromyalgia. One does not forget that they have a debilitating hyper immune system that will freak out over the stupidest things. It IS possible to ignore it though...until you can't. 

If you don't know what Fibromyalgia is, it is somewhat of a catch-all disease. It's the "I don't know what is wrong with you, but there is definitely something wrong with you, so since we don't know what is wrong with you, we will call it Fibromyalgia" disease. At least that is how I look at it. All I know is that when I was 26 a rheumatologist poked on me in 16 places and since it hurt (like really bad hurt, like 10 out of 10 hurt, do not recommend hurt) when he poked on me he said, "Ah...you have classic Fibromyalgia. Take these pills and do physical therapy and see me in 3 months." I checked out a book called Fibromyalgia for Dummies and was horrified when the last chapter was all about how to get disability for Fibromyalgia. DIS-A-BIL-A-TY!!!!   What the heck had I just been diagnosed with?

Fifteen years later, I still ask myself that exact same question because 15 years later, scientists still have no idea what Fibromyalgia is. The best way that I can describe it is that I have the immune system that reacts like a 14-year-old dramatic girl who just had her boyfriend break up with her and life as she knows it has ended. Simple things like having your arm hit a wall as you walk by would be no big deal for most people. For me, my body reacts like I just broke my arm. Full blow: ABORT MISSION. WE HAVE DONE SOMETHING BAD. SHUT DOWN! SHUT DOWN NOW! When most people get stressed or too tired, they continue to function. My body shuts down and treats me like I am dying and there is no end in sight. In my journey, I have worked really hard to find those things that trigger that 14-year-old dramatic girl and have tried to keep her as happy as possible. Apparently, I have done a great job for the past 3 years because she has not been that dramatic...until 8 weeks ago. 

A COVID work environment+stress+a major mental dillemma+a busy schedule=the setup for disaster and the reminder that you do, in fact, have Fibromyalgia. Unless you have lived under a rock, the COVID vaccine has been the topic of most medical professionals' free time. It is a very polarizing topic and one that will not be majorly discussed in this blog. I adore the physicians and nurses and allied health professionals I work with and listen intently to those who talk on the subject. Opposite views from people that I truly respect are hard to process. I would toss and turn at night trying to figure out what I was going to do. To get or not to get the vaccine plagued my dreams. I used the research skills that I learned while achieving my Master's degree and found articles that I thought would lead me to my best decision. After a stressful week at work watching people my age die, I decided I would go with what I thought was my best route and got the J&J vaccine. 

This is where ignoring things go awry. People ask if I regret getting the vaccine. I do not. I felt I made the best decision at the time and felt it was the best thing for ME to do. It is a decision that one has to make on their own and I am a firm believer that NOBODY should make that decision for you. Do I have to suffer the consequences of that decision? Yes. But I am still okay with that. I only wish that I wouldn't have ignored that I have Fibro and taken the steps to do what I know I need to do in order to calm down a dramatic immune system. 

To say I was stressed about the vaccine was an understatement. I originally had planned to get the vaccine when my son was getting his boosters and made an appointment for 2 days after to see my doctor in case things went badly. After a horrible weekend at work, I upped that vaccination day to a week earlier. I went in nervous and came out paranoid. I got SICK!!! I got so sick that I got COVID tested, which came back negative. It was a LONG 32 hours of the sickest I have ever been in a long time. I decided to keep my appointment with my doctor because I still was having some "side effects" that I wanted to be checked out. I discussed a lingering headache and some chest pain I was having. It was at that appointment I was diagnosed with costochondritis. It was the 4th time in my life of being diagnosed with it. Costochondritis is inflammation between the ribs and sternum and makes you feel like you are having a heart attack. It hurts and it is not fun to have. Typically the way to fix it is to be put on steroids and hype up the immune system. However, since your immune system depresses after you come off of steroids, and I was hugging COVID patients every time I put an x-ray board underneath them, it wasn't probably the best thing at the time for fear that I would end up with COVID, even after getting the vaccine. So we decided to do a wait and see if it would go away on its own cause it can do that. Two weeks later I was back in the office. The headaches were gone but the chest pain was still there. Pandemic conditions had not changed and I mentioned the last time that I had been put on steroids I ended up with shingles, so I was put on meloxicam (a strong anti-inflammatory) instead and the chest pain continued. Two weeks later I ended up with a sinus infection and still had chest pain so I got put on a steroid pack then to knock out the costochondritis and an antibiotic for the sinus infection. The steroid pack wasn't strong enough to take down the 14-year-old dramatics so I got put on some pretty strong prednisone and now I am finally starting to see the light of health again. 

The lightbulb clicked on when I was doing a google search about how long costochondritis should last. I just happened to see an article that said costochondritis was typically rare but was common in patients who had Fibromyalgia. I had read this before but had forgotten it. Then I realized my reaction to the shot was just a typical Fibro reaction. I needed to go back to the basics. I needed to sleep a lot. I needed to clear my schedule. I needed to chill and eat healthily and make that dramatic 14-year-old immune system know that it was going to be ok and that I will be nicer in the future. It reminded me that no matter how much I don't want to admit that I have this somewhat debilitating disease that I still have to acknowledge that it is there and that I have to cater to it. 

I don't like being weak. I don't like admitting I have a disease that doctors make fun of or don't take seriously. (Not all doctors, but many that I work with feel this way.) I don't like having something that science doesn't fully understand and there isn't a ton of research (that I have found) being done to find out what is causing it. Pretending that I don't have Fibromyalgia, sadly, doesn't make it go away, as much as I wish it did. A positive mind is a powerful thing, but even that is no match for Fibro.

So I write this to remind myself that I am a weakling with my own demons to face. I am strong and will face those demons head-on. I am hoping that after this reminder that I can go even longer without having to meet my 14-year old dramatic immune system and that my coddling techniques will improve. Until then, I will rest and coddle and get better and hope that this bump in the road will just remind me how precious recovery and living well are. 

The Trouble with Relapses is...

The past 2 months I have had this mysterious virus that has progressively gotten worse, especially in the last 2 weeks. I have had zero energy. I have wanted to take a nap every day and have just felt like no matter how much I sleep I just can't shake this exhaustion. I was finishing up a Whole30 detox the end of May where you pretty much only eat meats, fruits and veggies, along with healthy fats-very similar to a keto diet. Last time I had done a Whole30 I felt amazing and this time it just wasn't the same experience. I felt depressed. I had no energy. I just didn't feel myself. I kept waiting for that energy burst and mental clarity that I experienced last time and it just never really hit like it had last time.

Today as I was folding the 4th basket of laundry that I had put off doing after running around all morning doing errands something clicked. "Jennifer, you have Fibromyalgia! You are in the middle of a flare! That's why you have felt like crap for the past 2 months!" It was like a flood of "Oh wow, this makes so much sense." Some of you might look at this and be like, "Jennifer, how would you not realize this? You have a Fibromyalgia blog. You facilitate a Fibromyalgia support group. You have had a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia for almost 15 years. How would you not realize that Fibromyalgia is the cause of all of this?" I get it. I should have realized it, but I didn't.

I am not one of those that likes labels. I don't want to be the Fibromyalgia poster girl. I don't want people to look at me and say, "Oh, that's Jennifer. She has Fibromyalgia!" So I don't broadcast that I have it. Unfortunately I do and know all too well how real it is. I began to reminisce of the past few months to see what triggered it. (There is always a trigger that starts a flare in me.) As I thought back, it was when I hurt my back at work. It had to have been. Along with that traumatic injury, I have had 2 particularly stressful months while doing volunteer work. I used to pamper myself with "do nothing days" and take better care of my super-sensitive auto-immune crabby body. I haven't had a "do nothing day" in...well, to be honest, I can't remember the last time I had one. I have gone non-stop since March and now it is May. My body is in a full revolt and today the message finally made it to my brain and said, "WE ARE DONE! ITS TIME TO REST!!!"

Fibromyalgia is the closest thing to "a thorn in the flesh" that I can relate to. I am way too busy of a person to have to baby my body and take time out of a schedule to schedule rest. Yet it is what I am going to have to do. After this week my schedule should ease up and I can return back to my "do nothing day" routine. If I keep going at the speed that I am going at, things will only get worse. I share all this to say, even the pro with Fibromyalgia sometimes forgets to treat her body the way she knows that she needs to. I pushed too hard and let stress become overwhelming due to a beyond busy schedule. So (raises up her glass of water) here's to a relapse and working to get better! (virtual clink)

The Trouble with a Diagnosis is...

I've had several people contact me within the last few weeks asking something similar to, "Hey! Is it true that you have Fibromyalgia?" I always reply with a simple yes and wait for their questions. In the past, the response would be something like, "but you don't act like someone with Fibromyalgia"  or something along those lines. Here lately the response has been asking questions because they, or a loved one, has been recently diagnosed and they are looking for answers, and who better to ask than someone who has Fibromyalgia.

I was 26 when I was finally diagnosed. Many people who don't know me well would never know something is wrong with my body. I tell the ladies of the Fibromyalgia Support Group that I facilitate that I have tried to hide this for many years. In the past, the people who were diagnosed were of the dramatic nature. They would come to their doctor or the hospital and list off a series of ailments that many recognize and then in a sighing breath say, "and I also have Fibromyalgia" as they would collapse onto their bed or into their wheelchair. I hid my diagnosis from many people because I didn't want to be associated with "those people". However the symptoms remain and no matter how much I would like to deny such a diagnosis, I have the classic symptoms of Fibromyalgia syndrome and I'm not ashamed of that.

When I get the awesome text asking if I have this unknown disease that has gained popularity with the treatments of Lyrica and Cymbalta and the myriad of other prescriptions that don't usually work on my body, I know a person is confused and wondering what on earth they have just been diagnosed with. I send them to this blog usually and tell them that this is everything that I have learned over the course of time. Since I have had this diagnosis for 12 years I have cleaved a ton of knowledge from books, online seminars, and the physicians that I have visited. What I have learned from my support group girls is that nobody has the exact same symptoms and a treatment that works for some, doesn't work at all for another.

It's a frustrating disease that is diagnosed by a trigger point exam. I believe that there are 16 trigger points that are pressed upon and you rate your pain on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the worst. At least that is how my doctor diagnosed me. I rated either a 4 or a 5 on all but one trigger point. Walking away with that diagnoses I felt lost. Now, 12 years later, I know what works for me, which is exercise and clean eating. If I don't exercise and eat processed foods for a long period of time, I find myself having migraines, joint pain, and having a hard time sleeping. My immune system is like a very dramatic 14-year-old who is on the verge of a meltdown over the simplest thing. My body decides that I have hypothermia  when it gets cold and I develop Reynaud's where my body pulls my body heat from my extremities to protect my body organs and the only way it goes away is if I take a hot bath and get my entire body warm at the same time, otherwise it is hours before I can feel my hands again.My body reacts like I just broke my hand and will swell up and be painful to use for about an hour if I hit it on the door jam. If I overeat sugar I will get a migraine at the hint of a front moving through. If I get a muscle injury, my body will over-react to the point that I need physical therapy to get my motion back. I've had my skin over-react. I've had my ovaries and bowels have crazy reactions to the simplest of things. It's a raw deal, but it's mine and I refuse to let it get me down.

A diagnosis of Fibromyalgia is not the end of the world. There is no cure but there are ways to get your symptoms to go away. It's not a death sentence which is great! You have to find out what works for you and your Fibro. What works great for me might make your symptoms worse. I do encourage you to go back to MY beginning in this blog, especially if you just got diagnosed. There are books that I read and online seminars that gave me precious information that helped me get to a place where I don't take meds for my Fibro on a daily basis. There is hope! There is help! You just can't give up on it.