Crazy...I was crazy once. They locked me in a rubber room. I lived there. I died there. Worms came up from the ground and ate my body. Did you say worms? Worms drive me CRAZY! Crazy...I was crazy once...
I used to love quoting this over and over again when I was a teenager. Anytime someone said the word "crazy" this little crazy limerick would run through an internal monolog in my head. However, over the last 4 months, I truly do feel like I could take a ride on the crazy train and stay there a bit.
I had lunch with a friend this week. She often, in her own sweet way, refers to me as her crazy friend. During the course of lunch we talked about the Biden mandate about vaccines for Healthcare workers who work for facilities that get paid with Medicare/Medicaid funds. She is one of the few people who has heard about some of the long term side effects I have dealt with since I received my shot. She asked the question, "Do you regret getting the vaccine, especially with all the issues you have had since you got it?" Last month I said no, but this is a different blog post, and I am conflicted now with if I do or not. Its hard knowing that on August 4th I was healthy, felt great, was sleeping well, and had a few intermittent intestinal issues due to not having a gallbladder. Since August 5th I live with headaches that get worse with the weather, intestinal issues that are the worst I have ever dealt with, and nausea that sneaks up on me and makes me feel like I am pregnant all over again. Don't get me started on the body aches. I try to push through workouts and push myself to get back to where I was, but find myself eating ibuprofen and muscle relaxers just to make it through a normal day. I have seen my doctor more in the past 4 months than I have the 4 years prior. He confirmed that all of this is probably very much related to getting the vaccine. The hard part is that there is no end date for this to get better. I feel like I am starting at day 1 again on my Fibro journey and it sucks.
I had bragged in the summer that my fibro was under such great control that I questioned if that was really what I had all along. But as I have dealt with the exhaustion, the body aches, and the worst fibro fog I have ever had, I am sadly reminded of this diagnosis and all that is related to it.
I need to do a fast of all things that my body hates in a flare and have zero desire to do it. It means giving up sugar and gluten and dairy and eating horrible things like kale and drinking kombucha. I know if I would just take a 3 month cleanse I would probably reset and feel better, but my life is so freaking busy that it is hard to do. Plus there is no guarantee that it would work. This flare is bad! Clean eating requires planning and my foggy brain has a hard time doing it. The heart is so willing but the body has a hard time with compliance.
Do I regret getting the vaccine to protect me from COVID? Today I do. While I don't have to worry about losing my job, I do have the constant wonder if this is what life is going to be like forever. I have a wonderfully blessed life. I have to focus on that while I try to beat these symptoms all over again. Hopefully I can reset soon and get back to pre-August 5th Jennifer.
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