I haven't done one of these in over a year. Very few people in my current life know that I even have the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. I don't talk about it because most people don't even know what Fibromyalgia is so I just keep my diagnosis to myself and hide my symptoms to the best of my ability. For those who don't know what it is, and want to know, here ya go in layman's terms. I used to describe it as my body having an over-the-top response to very simple things. You hit your hand on the door while walking by and you might acknowledge the pain and go about your day. I hit the same door and my fingers swell up like I have broken my fingers for about an hour. Then after my immune system realizes that we are ok, I might end up with a small bruise and then it is back to normal the next day. Recovery from anything takes twice as long. I work out but my muscles seem to take forever to recover. My body goes into flares and they are hard to get out of. My doctor laughed when I told him that I feel like my immune system is a very dramatic 14-year-old girl who just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with her best friend and her life is officially over and makes poor choices because of it. That is exactly how my immune system behaves. If there is an over-the-top response, my body goes for it. In a very dramatic fashion, I always end up with weird symptoms or a slight chance of side effects happening.
Knowing this about my body and trying not to be a dramatic person, but a logical person about things, I try to ignore most of my Fibromyalgia symptoms. Working in the medical field I have been exposed to dramatic Fibro patients and I do not want to be associated with them. The doctors I worked with through the years saw them as drug seekers and would complain about their behavior as over-the-top (and in many cases they were), having no idea that the listening ears had the exact same diagnosis and knew partially what they felt like. I just didn't complain as loudly as they did. However, lying to myself about a fibro diagnosis does not make it go away. Sometimes lying does work in my brain and I often forget that I DO have Fibromyalgia until I am slapped in the face with some symptoms that are completely related to it and I can't make them go away.
This time I am reminded of my systems because my brain isn't working well. I have always been an advocate for taking the stigma out of mental health issues. Many of my family take medications for anxiety, as well as most of my friends. However, I have been the oddball with not needing something for my brain to be well. I have always been able to get rid of my woes through prayer, journaling my thoughts, or cognitive behavior therapy. Yet this time, I know something is off. I have been off for a while. At first, I thought it was just adjusting to the new job and all the changes of leaving my 21-year career as an x-ray tech to become a teacher. Then at Christmas, I felt majorly depressed. Simple inconveniences or changes just hit me way harder than they normally do. I just haven't been myself and I can't shake it. Things that never would bother me do now. I am way more snippy with Zac than I have ever been. I have started to have major anxiety that my colleagues don't like me, and I can honestly say I have NEVER been anxious over if I was liked or not. I can logically look at my thoughts and know they are not true, but I still believe the lies. It made ZERO sense, until the other day.
Since I have been a teenager, I have prayed while in my car when I am by myself. I turn off the radio and almost pretend that Jesus is sitting in the passenger seat next to me and we chat. I had just suffered through a workout at the gym and was driving home. I started talking and saying how much I hate feeling this way. Then I said, "I mean I have dealt with this since...I think maybe when I had COVID back in October and it's getting really old!" THAT WAS IT! COVID! COVID is what is doing this. I stupid hyper response to freaking COVID!
I immediately started doing some research when I got home. Article after research article said around 30% of people experience mental health issues after having COVID. Opening up this blog I saw a post I forgot about writing after I had my COVID vaccine talking about my mental health suffering. At first, I didn't want to admit I needed help but after reading about how once put on meds it righted the wrong created by COVID I became intrigued and called my doc to discuss it. I see him tomorrow. I am so ready to be mentally well and back to myself. I NEED to be myself cause I don't want to see how dark this goes. While most articles have said that it will resolve on its own eventually, I don't want to wait for "eventually" if I can feel better now. I write all this to possibly help someone else who might be having similar issues and hasn't connected the COVID card as a possibility. I will let you know what doc says tomorrow. Until then...
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