I hit a breaking point yesterday. It was bound to happen, but it finally hit. It started with a picture. Granted, I wasn't the only one who looked bad in the picture, but it was a BAD picture. Then another picture was snapped and I looked horrible in it as well. Every picture that has been taken of me lately, when I see it, I groan a loud, loathing sound that comes from the depths of dislike of what I look like currently.
Prior to my second child I hit a record weight for me (and not in the lower digits). I decided that something had to be done. I went to one of those informative programs about the latest, local diet craze. I couldn't justify spending the $400 grocery budget on me alone so I had to improvise. I noticed that the diet added up to be around a 1200 calorie diet. I cleared it through my doctor and I started a vicious regimen of writing down everything I ate making sure that I stopped at 1200 calories. My mother had told me once that it took 30 days to make a habit so I decided that I would do the 1200 calories, no cheating, hard core for 30 days and then I would allow myself cheat days. The diet worked and over the course of 3 months I lost a total of 33lbs. Then I got pregnant and as soon as I stopped breast feeding, the weight that I worked so hard to get rid of was back.
I haven't ever hit my record top weight again, however I am getting close and yesterday I hit that low point. I haven't been eating well. I haven't been exercising. I haven't been doing much of anything except eating, sleeping, and throwing pitty parties. For the record, this does nothing for weight loss. After a much needed heart to heart with myself and a prayer for some motivation, I decided once again that I needed a change. I have done diets before. 17 day diet, body type diet, blood type diet, 1200 calorie diet, juicing diet, gluten free diet, eat anything I want and just exercise diet...all have been done in the past. All have had good results at different times and I have determined that simple physics is the best answer...burn more calories than what you put in.
The thing with having Fibro is that it is easy to get into a rut. It is easy to want to give up and say, "I'm sick. I feel horrible all the time and it's not my fault. I have an excuse to not diet and exercise because my recovery from any change sends me into a flare." While all of that is true, it should not be an excuse. The evil part of Fibro is that it takes you pushing through the flare and getting stronger for you to get better. That is the main beef that I had when I first started researching Fibromyalgia and read the book, "An Idiots Guide to Fibromyalgia" and found the last chapter to be, "How to get disability for Fibromyalgia". I don't want to give up. I want to get well. Disability for me would be a win for Fibromyalgia and I refuse to let that happen.
So once again, I am sucking it up. I hate doing it but it is a must if I am going to beat this and push past this Fibro-funk that is in my life right now. I have GOT TO get healthy. The only way to beat the upcoming stress that I am going to face in the next few months is to suck it up and get healthy again. Sometimes I will overdo it, like I did yesterday. Sometimes I will curl up in a little ball and have to take a break. Sometimes I will feel amazing and be able to do a little more than normal. What is important is that I do it. I have to eat healthy and I have to exercise to win. I have an excuse but I am not going to rely on it anymore. My well being is more important than excuses. I have to win this cause losing is not an option.
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